Beyond The Plot

First daughter’s have it rough.

Recently I was having a conversation with my mom, aunts and granny. They were going on about how I was such a “serious child” and “didn’t like doing any of the kids things”. One of my aunties added in that “ you thought you were better than all the kids. Would never go and play with them.”

I just laughed it off and moved the conversation along, really no point in digressing down that path at the time. It would have led to “OP always has to say something”.

I did have many a thought on the subject though.

It’s so interesting to see how the adults in my life don’t see how their behaviors correlate to our actions.

I was consistently told I was “acting grown”, “always in grown folks business”, “should go play with the kids” growing up.

1. I am reading my books, I do not care about your gossip. I just wanted some time to myself.
2. The kids didn’t want to play with me. I was made into an authority figure. They know the type of fun they can have, with me around, is limited. I am, for all intents and purposes, La Policía.
3. I will get in more trouble by their bad action then they will. The adults will come down on me for “knowing better and allowing them act up.” “You are in charge when adults are not around, it’s your responsibility to keep your siblings and cousins out of trouble”.

Dude. I’m 9, now responsible for 10+ kids, while the adults are doing…. What exactly. They are your kids. I didn’t choose to have them.

I was the dedicated babysitter until about 16-17 when I stopped showing up at family functions or would use the “I have to work” excuse to get out of babysitting any other time.

I also spoke up often and loudly about them making my younger cousin take on that responsibility in my absence. Which caused a lot of issues. The family dynamics don’t work well with outspoken beings. I got popped in the mouth frequently.

All this led to me being a very independent adult. Also very outspoken and I may or may not have issues with Authority figures.

Good that came from it:

• Independent: I can solve most problems by myself or can find the appropriate person/thing to help me.
• Good with kids. I know exactly how I will be raising my kids (if I have them). I for sure won’t be continuing this generational curse of making the eldest daughter into a third parent. Kids should be kids.
• Leadership/ people skills: I always find myself leading in some way or another. Whether I want to or not. I also have experience with a lot of different personalities which means I can navigate interpersonal relationships pretty well. (If not a bit too analytical)

Things I’m working on because of this:

• Independence: Too independent, I know I can do most things on my own and prefer to do so. That also translated into issues with authority figures. They have to prove they can lead, I do not follow blindly. I prefer to just be in charge.
• Control issues. Pretty self explanatory
• Fear of failure – deep set fear of not reaching expectations. My own usually.
• Asking for help: birthed from being too independent and fear of failure. It feels like failing to seek out help from others when I should be able to do it in my own.