The Fear of Discomfort vs. The Consequences of Avoidance
I was reading a post the other day with the tagline ’realizing your partner wasn’t perfect’.
It got me thinking of various hard conversations that need to be had in a relationship, of any kind.
It also had me thinking about how we frequently allow slight discomfort to prevent us from having those hard conversations.
Personally, I’d rather rip the bandaid off, and be a little uncomfortable now, and strengthen the relationship.
The alternative is leaving it alone, letting it fester and build upon itself. Once that simmering pot overflows it’s does a lot of damage, damage that usually can’t be worked out.
Most of the fear is out of not knowing how the other person will react. So if you show you are willing and able to talk it out, then it becomes easier to talk things out.
Recently, I’ve actively been able to see the pros and cons of this. I always find myself ‘ripping off the bandaid’ as I said earlier. but we all know that is easier said than done. As someone who keeps to themselves most often I really don’t have too many opportunities to push myself into having awkward conversations, outside of familiar relationships and really telling a family member what they are doing is annoying is way easier than telling a friend or a partner.
Sometimes I feel it is not needed since “Ehh I mean how often am I going to have to deal with them” or “Well is is really that big of a deal, am I just rocking the boat unnecessarily?”
I have been on a personal journey to get more in touch with my emotions/ feelings and give them the attention they deserve. Which also means speaking up even if I feel it “might not be needed”.
To be fair there is nuance to all situations, but these conversations to do need to be had.
I have been in a relationship as of recent, and we are both over thinkers. we are use to working through problems alone, and both very understanding/ logic leaning people. However, we are still very different people, as are we all. I’ve found that over the course of this relationship we’ve hurt each other more by trying to avoid “hurting” each other. Like by refraining from bringing up things that have rubbed us wrong. The most tumultuous time, was us both refusing to communicate effectively and instead trying to solve the problem by ourselves, which only led to the other feeling more unwanted and anxious about the longevity of the relationship. Which caused more tension. Until the tension snapped us into an argument, because one us finally spoke up. Tone misreads, words misconstrued. But effort from both to not only listen to what the other was saying but to also answer honestly in turn. Finally all our cards on the table we realized we had been talking past each other, the intentions we placed on each other in our minds were not bathed in any reality. It clicked quite quickly, and we were able to have an even calmer conversation that not only got us on the same page but started filling out the image better. We learned more about one another. We were able to meet each other were be both needed.
And each and every time one of us finally pulls the courage to brave a hard conversation — we both end up sighing in relief. The conversation, while hard in theory, usually is actually very easy and works to reassure us both of what our intentions and motivations are. Allowing us to learn more about our wants and needs. Our relationship continues to deepen because of it.
For me a relationship is built on being able to rely on each other, and it’s not worth it if a small or large conversation crumbles the foundation. That means that the relationships just wasn’t meant to be long term and that really is okay. These difficult conversations allow us to truly find people that work for us and that we can also add to and build with.
On another hand, I had a much needed conversation with a friend, not to long ago. We hadn’t been seeing eye to eye on a great many things. Neither her or I felt the need, really, to address this issues. Not so much because we wanted to protect the friendship or prevent it from falling apart. I personally think we both just didn’t really care about the out come. We wrestle slowly moving apart, and neither one of us felt the need to reach out. Well we ended up running into each other at a get together. Started chatting, fell into the familiarity of our friendship. Though there was a slight tension, longer pauses, awkward responses. Until finally, ” Yes, I really wasn’t expecting to see you we haven’t talked in almost a year. Why?” There ensued a much needed conversation. Now this one didn’t end in a stronger relationship. It did end in stronger sense of self though. We both recognized that our friendship wasn’t healthy or wanted, really. We were more so keeping in touch for the sake of it. We didn’t really enjoy the people we were becoming. We held different core beliefs and wants. It also became clear that these differences were always there but we were both overlooking them for the sake of ease.
So, a little courage goes a long way. These courageous moments of vulnerability work to build a small community of people who are able to not only communicate effectively, but to truly grow, even if that growth is apart from one another.
Imagine the things we can achieve with something as simple open communication. Truly make a little mental note of some of your most recent conflicts and think them through. Were you holding back in the conversation? Did it seem like something key was missing? How would you have handled it differently?
I do think that we need to allow ourselves to be uncomfortable. It is needed for more than just romantic/ platonic relationships, and I want to make that clear. It’s something that you should practice throughout all avenues of your life.
For instance, allowing yourself to look dumb. It’s okay. We are always learning something, it is uncomfortable but only as uncomfortable as you allow it to be.
Also being the “odd man out’”, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, embrace it. Ask questions. Insert yourself into the activities. Eventually the initial discomfort will fade. And the more often we practice pushing past uncomfortable situations the quicker we’ll be able to move on in future situations.
I’ve found myself holding back from doing things I’d find enjoyable simply because of initial discomfort. Whether that would have been stepping into the unknown or speaking to people I don’t know yet.
What was your most recent conflict and how’d you go about it?
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